If my life were a movie...

I tag *everyone*.

Who would be on the short list to play the part of you? Naturally I would love to have Angelina Jolie. If not then Charlize Theron. I'm also become somewhat partial to an adult film star by the name of Brandy Talore, who seems to share some of my features and build. If she would consider going mainstream, then let's have her people call my people! *giggle*

In a 15-second spot during a Super Bowl timeout, what would be the tagline for your movie? There would be thunder and lightning, heard and seen through an open window in a dark room. Then a sound of rain beating down, gradually becoming louder. As the camera pans, it becomes apparent that it isn't rain at all, but the sound of a shower. We can't see into the shower because it is all steamed up, but now we hear the sound of whimpers and moans increasing in intensity. Then the tagline: "SHE'S CUMMING--THIS SUMMER"

What genre would the movie be? Romantic comedy/action/adventure/erotic--The Wedding Planner meets 9 1/2 weeks meets Lara Croft meets 007.

What rating would be given by the MPAA? PG-13: Strong language, violence, gratuitous display of ample boobs and a scene or two of sexual content.

What rating would it draw from the critics? They'd lambast it. I wouldn't give a fuck.

Where would the story take place? It would begin in Minnesota, with many parts of the story taking place in Los Angeles, Chicago, New York and in a South American rainforest.

When would the story take place? "In the not too distant future". My vibrating egg would be high-tech and would fulfill about ten other neat functions--besides getting me off!

Who would have a cameo appearance? Gwen Stefani--and Angelina if she wants one. (Let's face it, her people ain't calling!)

Would there be a "calling card"? (i.e. Arnold--"I'll be back") In every sequel, there would be a tie-in with Starbucks! In one movie the heroine meets the agent at Starbucks to hand him the secret microchip she just stole from the high-security compound (She later learns that he is the bad guy--*after* he bones her, of course!) and in another she throws a scalding hot Starbucks latte on a villain to foil a bank robbery.

Does your character have any superpowers or extraordinary abilities? Um--she can have an orgasm from having her nipples sucked?

Nudity? Full frontal? Lots of boob shots!

Sex scene? Maybe two. The solo scene in the shower doesn't count against this total, does it?

Who would your love interest be played by? Vin Diesel

Would the viewers cry? Nope--no sappy stuff!

What memorable line or scene would embed itself into pop culture? (i.e. Jack Nicholson "You can't handle the truth!") There would be a scene where I am escaping out the window after the bad guys have shot up my condo, and I'm climbing down a rope in my bra and panties, and the thick rope is nestled between my breasts...

What *previous* pop culture references would show up in *your* movie? Oh, we have to somehow work a light saber duel in somewhere. Those are kewl.

Would your movie be a marketing device? (i.e. You've Got Mail--AOL) It would be the ultimate marketing device for Fredericks of Hollywood!

What would the closing scene look like? I would be walking away from fire and carnage, slightly banged up and of course my clothing would be torn and revealing. I would toss my UZI aside because all the bad guys have been neutralized--or so I think. The villainess whom we all thought was dead comes stumbling after me with a lead pipe with a blood-curdling yell. I turn around and whack her with a boob, then I walk off.

What song would play as the closing credits rolled? Silent Night by Bon Jovi

Can we expect a sequel? Maybe a direct to video, then perhaps a fairly lousy sitcom which is self-titled and lasts exactly one season. Then on to a talk show...

Feel free to copy to other blogs and fill in your own answers!

Your company's authorized internet usage policy

Had a meeting today--someone from MIS mentioned keeping personal internet usage to a minimum, and to avoid accessing porn--for some reason suddenly *everyone* was looking AT ME...

Hurt me so good

I am thinking about one of those plastic runner mats which one would use to protect a heavily trafficked carpet area. To be more specific, I am thinking of the sharp protrusions on the bottom side of the mat, which adhere it to the carpet. In my fantasy my lover flips the mat over, then strips me naked and lays me down on top of all those sharp little bumps, then climbs on top of me and fucks the hell out of me. My back, my ass are screaming out as he puts all of his weight on me. I'm digging my nails into his back and cumming all over his cock, oh gawwwwd does it hurt! Not nearly as much as when he stands and pulls me to a kneeling position on the mat, and presents his cock to me to lick and suck my juices off of it....

Off to Lowe's

Day-um! Do you have any idea how many towel bars hubby and I have ripped off of our bathroom wall? Do these come in industrial strength, by chance?

Safety Warning

Women who travel alone need to be made aware of a relatively new threat to their safety, which is occurring mostly in large metropolitan areas. In this ploy, a clean, handsome-looking man will pull up next to a woman at a traffic light and ask her for directions to somewhere nearby, usually somewhere in a warehouse district. The man will ask if the woman can show him how to get there, and will suggest that he follow her there. Once the woman gets onto an abandoned side street with the other car following, two or three more cars will appear from various directions and seal off the woman's route of escape. The cars will contain several men who will pull the victim out of her vehicle, often forming a circle around her and forcing her to her knees to perform oral sex. This is followed by them ripping her clothing off, bending her over the hood of her car and taking turns having sex with her.

Be very cautious out there. This happened to me on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. I drove around for three hours but couldn't find them on Friday.

5 things

5 things in my fridge

1. Snapple iced tea
2. White Zinfadel
3. Leftover lasagna
4. A cucumber
5. Boneless chicken breasts

5 things in my closet

1. Scandalous red dress
2. A little suitcase on a very high shelf *giggle*
3. Platforms and pumps
4. Numerous skeletons
5. Cablemodem box

5 things in my car

1. Starbucks coffee tumbler cup
2. Ronny Jordan CD
3. Cellphone charger
4. Towel
5. Road atlas

5 things in my purse

1. About 15 credit cards
2. Silver bullet
3. Gum
4. Palmpilot
5. Map of Missouri (don't ask)

Pull my hair...

Gawd, but I need two things right now. I need for someone to get a nice firm grip and pull the fuck out of my hair--and I need a throbbing cock. Grab a handful of my blonde hair and force me to my knees. Or maybe a doggystyle screwing with my head being pulled back--the harder the better. And if my head is being pulled back to line my mouth up with a second cock kneeling in front of me--*so* much the better!

I've never...

I've redone this--not just putting the true items in bold, but rather elaborating!

I’ve Never French-Kissed A Member Of The Opposite Sex. False--kissing is the window to everything else!
I’ve Never French-Kissed A Member Of The Same Sex. False--it's like a jolt of electricity running through one's body. Completely different than a kiss with a man...
I've Never Had Sex With A Member Of The Opposite Sex. If I were to say this out loud, it would be immediately followed by the sound of everyone spitting their coffee out!
I've Never Had Sex With A Member Of The Same Sex. False. Several times, but not for three years now. Of course you can read a slice of the last time I did...
I’ve Never Had A Three-Some. False--I have had me and two men, and a two girls and a guy combo. I would love to do an all-girl.
I’ve Never Been In Love. False--every woman should have been in love at least once by the time she is 30!
I’ve Never Had Sex In A Public Place. False--I love car sex, and usually that would qualify as a public place. *giggle* If not, then I've done it on the beach and in parks.
I’ve Never Had Group Intercourse. True. Because we covered threesomes above, I'm operating under the assumption that this statement refers to four or more participants. One of my fantasies is to go to a hotel room where a large group of men is waiting to use me every which way--and one female tongue on my clit!
I’ve Never Been Spanked. Puh-leeze! I have hand prints on my cheeks right *now*.
I’ve Never Been Tied Up. False--I get into certain moods where I like it. Other times, a simple "don't you fucking move, slut" does the trick just fine!
I’ve Never Regretted Having Sex With Someone. True. Although I am rather flirty and have a very naughty imagination, I don't usually actually jump into anything that serious without consideration. I've made the right decisions and don't find the need to second-guess myself!
I’ve Never Made Out With A Stranger. Well--now, *that* I've jumped into from time to time!
I’ve Never Gone On A Blind Date. False. As a favor to a friend I did.
I’ve Never Had A Crush On A Teacher or Professor. False--I mentioned Tina, who is a teacher, elsewhere in my blog. Granted, she is not *my* teacher per se--but I've had many a fantasy about what it would be like if she were!
I’ve Never Slept With A Co-Worker. False. At a part-time job when I was 18. Other than that I have been very good at resisting the temptation to mix business with pleasure!
I’ve Never Had Sex At The Office. False. My husband, on the couch in my boss' office one night when I worked late.
I’ve Never Been Married. Of course I have!
I’ve Never Been Divorced. True--came close maybe a few times! Nothing which a little compromise, and some wicked make-up sex couldn't fix!
I’ve Never Had Sex With More Than One Person Within The Same Week. False--but not for a long time!
I’ve Never Posed Nude. True. Online, I opt for creativity as opposed to "here they are!" Even when I have taken and shared pics--and we have to be really close--I like to leave something to the imagination. I am content with what I see when I look in the mirror after climbing out of the shower--but even in the bedroom I still prefer a little something such as a revealing nightie, chemise or even if it's just a pair of platforms to rest on his shoulders!
I've Never Watched Porn. False--Gawwwwd I'm an addict!
I’ve Never Gotten Someone Drunk Just To Have Sex With Them. False. Hey, whatever works!
I’ve Never Received Scars From My Sex Partner. Scars--no. Lash marks, bruises, red handprints on my ass...
I’ve Never Had Sex At A Friend’s House While They Were Throwing A Party. False--it's been fifteen years though!
I’ve Never Had Sex In A Dressing Room. False--it is fun, especially when you know that people outside the dressing room are probably aware of what's going on. (Hey, I'm never going to see them again anyway!)
I’ve Never Flashed Anyone. False. Last time was when I was staying at a hotel in San Diego, and hubby urged me to go to the window and show some college students what I've got!
I’ve Never Met Anyone From Online. False--a few times I have. I'm not presently taking applications on this! By agreement with my husband, I keep the online stuff online.
I've Never Cheated On My Significant Other. I have to change this one to False. Although it was before we married, I kept him completely in the dark regarding my affair with another woman. It fits the definition of cheating regardless of gender and regardless of legal union.
I've Never Masturbated. Now I'm spitting *my* coffee out.
I've Never Used A Sex Toy On Myself. Not today--unless my shower massager counts.
I've Never Used A Sex Toy On Someone Else. False--I am very skilled with a vibe!
I've Never Danced On A Table Or Bar. True. I don't dance all that well!
I've Never Strip-Teased For Anyone. False. Smooth jazz plus candles plus strip tease equals a very lovely evening!
I've Never Received A Rim Job. Yuck.
I've Never Given A Rim Job. Double yuck.
I've Never Received A Hand Job. False--I've of course been fingered many times! It's ok when accompanied by a skilled tongue, but my preference is for toys or a hard cock!
I've Never Given A Hand Job. False--see my recipe!
I've Never Had Sex In A Hammock. I haven't, but it certainly could be interesting!
I've Never Performed Oral Sex. We're beyond spitting out coffee--everyone is keeping their distance in anticipation of the lightning!
I've Never Received Oral Sex. False--I keep myself shaved bare and tasting delectable. I love a tongue on me!
I've Never Had Anal Sex. False. I've never had it with a real cock, but have had a woman doing me that way with a toy. I've also had a toy there with my man in my pussy...
I've Never Had Sex involving a strapon. True--if I am with a woman, there is so much more which I can be doing to her and vice versa! If I have a taste for this I'll just go find a real dick!
I've Never Given/Received A Golden Shower. True. I do bring it up if I'm in a chatroom and being pestered by someone who really isn't doing it for me, but can't get the hint!
I've Never Had Sex With Someone While Fantasizing About Having Sex With Someone Else. False. Don't tell though, ok?
I've Never Had A Sex Dream. False--I had a nice one last week! I can't remember what it was about, but hubby says I was masturbating in my sleep...
I've Never Had An Orgasm By Myself. FALSE!!!!! I am very good at it!
I've Never Had An Orgasm With/By Someone Else. False--it doesn't take much to get me off, for anyone with a rudimentary sense of what they are doing!
I've Never Had Phone Sex. False--I have had some very erotic experiences on the phone! I don't so much anymore--being married has settled me down just a tad!
I've Never Had Cyber Sex. False. I've had lots of it!
I've Never Role-Played. False--I love finding ways to be creative with a lover. The brain is the largest sexual organ, and I believe this! My most naughty roleplay was a blonde hitchhiker who got picked up by two men!
I've Never Played Strip Poker. False--I have done this a time or two! I also played Strip Literati a few times when I ran my Literati (Scrabble) league!